Collection of jokes

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A family matter
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”

An excellent consulting job
I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Bonn. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the Chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Bonn with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself.
I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick “Hello Chris” at me when I waswith my client. He agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.
He said, “Hi Chris, what’s happening?” to which I replied “*censored* off, Gates, can’t you see I’m in a meeting?”

In the retirement home
A couple is having trouble taking care of their elderly father, as both of them work. After a long discussion they have decided that he would be taken care of better in a retirement home. After a long search the couple had decided on a nice home and took the old man there so he could check it out.
When they entered the facility they sat the old man down in the lobby as they had to fill out paperwork with the administrator.
After a few minutes, the old man started to lean to the left. He got about about 45 degrees over when a nurse passing by straightened him up. “There you go, sir,” and she walked away.
A couple of minutes after that, the old man started to lean to the right. He had almost reached another 45 degrees when an orderly grabbed him and said, “Here be careful, don’t want to fall over,” and walked away.
Minutes later the old man began to lean forward when his kids walked back with the administrator. The administrator seeing the old man leaning forward quickly righted him.
The couple assured that their father liked the placed asked him what he thought of it.
The old man just looked at them and replied, “It’s okay, but what does a guy have to do to fart around here?”

At the Gates of Heaven
Two men waiting at the gates of Heaven strike up a conversation.
“How did you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first”, says the second man. “But in the end it isn’t too bad. How did you die?”
“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I went home unexpectedly. I found her alone in the bedroom, doing some knitting. Then I ran all over the house looking for the man, starting in the basement, but just as I got to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic.”
“What do you mean?” asks the first man.
“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we would both still be alive and kicking!”

Do you have a match?
Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
“Ya, shure,I tink I haff a lighter,” he replied, reached into his tackle box, and pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
“Yiminy Cricket!” exclaimed Sven,” vhere did yew get dat monster??”
“Vell,” replied Ole,”I got it from my Genie.”
“You haff a genie?” Sven asked.
“Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box,” says Ole.
“Could I see him?”
So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Sven says, addressing the genie, “Hey dere! I’m a good friend of your master.Vill you grant me vun vish?”
“Yes I will“, says the genie. So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead. Sven yells at Ole, “I asked for a million BUCKS, not DUCKS!”
Ole answers, “Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC?”

Tewish song
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen lived next door to each other for over 40 years, and over the years became loving friends. One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen and said, “These houses are becoming too much for us, let’s sell them and each move into a home for the aged.”
Each went to a home of their respective religions, and were soon placed. Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, and one day asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said”So how do you like it here.”
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. She then said, “You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend.”
Mrs. Murphy said, “Now isn’t that wonderful. Tell me what you do.”
Mrs. Cohen said, “After lunch we go up to my room, and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs.”
Mrs. Cohen said, “And how is it with you Mrs. Murphy?”
She said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, “So what do you do?”
“We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below.”
Mrs. Cohen said, “And then what do you do?”
Mrs. Murphy said, “Since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we *censored*.”

Cought in the act
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway. She yelled at Ralph: “Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!”
Ralph looked out the window and said: “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining like hell out there!”
Mary cried: “If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!”
So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race… so he started running along side the others — only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”
Ralph answered, while gasping for air: “Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”
The other runner then asked the nude man: “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”
Ralph answered breathlessly: “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
The runner then asked: “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
Ralph answered, “Only if it’s raining.”

Small breasts
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies. The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?” she asks.
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

The two drinkers
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ … and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

Olympic condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms? “ she blurts, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors”, he replies. “Gold, Silver, and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, the man said proudly.
The wife responds, “Really, why don’t you wear the silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change….

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