A preachers problem
A preacher wanted to earn money for his church. He had heard there was money in horse racing. So he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep and the preacher ended up buying a donkey.
The preacher figured since he had the donkey he might as well enter it in the races: the next day the donkey came in third.
The following day in the racing forms the Headline appeared:
“PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS”
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered the donkey the next day also. The donkey won!! The racing forum Read:
“PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT”
The ranking Bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in the races anymore. The headlines read: “BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS”
This was too much for the Bishop and he ordred the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to the nearby convent. The following day the paper read:
“NUNS HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN”
The Bishop fainted; he informed the nuns to get ride of the animal so they sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the paper read:
“NUNS PEDDLE ASS FOR TEN BUCKS”
They buried the Bishop the next day. The following day the paper read:
TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP’S DEATH”
A Fine Parrot Story.
A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Jeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”
“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”
“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”
“Yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”
“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”
Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy … and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.”
The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. “I can’t afford that.”
“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
“Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer.”
The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “pssst,” and motions him over with one wing.
The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not”, says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the mailman…” “What?” says the guy. “What?”
“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”
“What happened then?” asks the guy. “Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.
“My God!!” the guy says. “Then what?”
“Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going Down and down…”
The parrot pauses for a long time…
“What happened? What happened?” asks the guy, now really frantic.
“I don’t know,” says the Parrot, ” My d*** got hard and I fell off my perch….